An instrumenting profiler records every function call, which changes the timings it is measuring — small fast functions look disproportionately expensive because the overhead is per call. Sampling…
Merely loading the extension slows execution substantially even with no debugging session and no profiler running, because it installs hooks into the engine. It ends up in production…
Guessing what is large in a bundle is unreliable, and the answer is frequently one dependency that pulled in a locale file for every language on earth. The…
An hourly spike that made every request four hundred milliseconds slower for two seconds moved the average by nine milliseconds and was invisible in every graph anyone looks…
Model::all() on a table with four hundred thousand rows hydrates four hundred thousand objects and then the process dies, having done nothing. chunkById rather than chunk is the…
Changing the shape of a cached value means every cached entry is now wrong, and there is no way to clear them selectively without knowing every key that…